The Loudness – Ways to keep the volume down in your relationship

Have you noticed that when The Loudness enters your relationship the good feeling goes out the door? 

It can be helpful to see The Loudness as a form of contempt. 

In couple coaching sessions I help individuals and couples to invite The Loudness to leave the relationship in 9 ways.
You don’t have to use all nine ways to stop The Loudness in your relationship. However, they all help.

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Relationship Coaching on kicking out The Loudness from your relationship, By Henk Ensing.

Stopping the shouting in marriage relationships

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What the Marriage Counsellor says about The Loudness

The Loudness can be called The Shouting or The Yelling. The Loudness is a form of contempt.

Contempt can be a killer to a couple’s prelationship.

John Gottman is a world renown marriage counsellor and couples therapist.

Gottman has identified contempt as one of the four killers to relationship success. If The Loudness is a form of contempt, we need to get rid of it fast.

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Nine ways that Relationship Counselling can help you both to get rid of The Loudness

If you have The Loudness in your relationship, I suggest that you both get relationship counselling or couple coaching to learn any of the following nine couple skills.  

In a couple therapy session, I help the couple practice these new skills in role plays. Mostly they practice in role plays on each other. 

Both the husband and the wife do this at couple coaching until they get very skilled at getting rid of The Loudness.
By practicing, you also, can both learn what can be used to kick The Loudness out of the relationship.

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marriage counseling

Practice the process of intentional couple communication skills to stop The Loudness

Marriage counsellors in Hamilton city often help couples to adopt an intentional way of communicating with each other. You will not need it all the time. However, when hot topics need to be discussed, couples shift to intentional communication to minimize conflict. I also share these skills with couples in my practice.

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marriage counseling

Take turns in mediated dialogue to prevent The Loudness

The Imago dialog is a process many relationship counsellors recommend to help remove the Loudness from the relationship. I recommend couples in my practise become skilled in the use of the Imago Dialog process.

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marriage counseling

Practice listening to prevent The Loudness taking over

I recommend reflecting as a non-defensive response while discussing hot topics. Couples in my practise take part in role plays with each other to learn the skill of non-defensive responding, even in tough situations where someone may be triggered.

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marriage counseling

Externalize the problem into the event to prevent The Loudness

Learn how to identify the problem outside of your partner. I’ll help you learn the skill of externalizing into the event. Also, to externalize into the Language. Used together, you’ll both be strongly prepared to prevent The Loudness from creeping into the discussion.

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marriage counseling

Become skilled at summarizing to prevent the Loudness returning

When couples learn how to reflect in a summary, the Speaker in the Imago Dialog is more likely to feel heard and understood. In feeling heard, the speaker often can find it easier to keep The Loudness out of the room.

I offer coaching to couples in how to summarize to keep The Loudness out of the relationship.

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Helping your Partner: How marriage counselling can assist you in helping your partner communicate

In my practise I share four simple ways you can help your partner to speak to you and avoid The Loudness.

In the couple sessions I can guide you through the four ways.

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marriage counseling
marriage counseling

Ways Marriage counsellors recommend to un-stick your frozen communication

During Imago Dialog, when your partner is stuck, after 30 seconds there are two ways you can help out. In our sessions I help you both to learn and to practise these two ways of helping your partner when they become stuck.

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marriage counseling

Exercising “Time Out” rules: These are practiced in Marriage Therapy sessions

Time Out for couples is different from Time Out for kids. We are not talking about the ‘time out’ strategy used by parents to help their children to learn. Couples claim Time Out for themselves as a respite, a time to cool down or recover among other reasons.

Rather than simply disappearing when you cannot cope, or leaving the relationship without notice, I school couples in the rules around claiming Time Out to cool down. 

These are very helpful rules to which you can both agree to uphold to improve the way you fight.

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marriage counseling
marriage counseling

“I Feel” Statements: A relationship counselling gem

To prevent The Loudness finding a place in your relationship you can both learn and practise “I Feel” statements. I help couples with learning how to frame an “I Feel” statement and to experience the way The Loudness is driven out of the relationship when “I Feel” statements are used.

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marriage counseling
marriage counseling

Preventing The Waterfall: How couples stop the endless grumpy-talk that damages a relationship

Marriage counsellors can help to work with couples where criticism and contempt are heaped out ‘as a waterfall’ by one or both members of a companionship. When the seemingly endless speaking-down begins, often the volume goes up. The above skills and more can help eradicate The Continuous Grumpy-Talk and The loudness from your relationship.  

I coach couples to prevent ‘The Waterfall’ habit from continuing on in their relationships. These are some of the couple communication skills used in my practise to stop The Loudness from continuing to damage an otherwise promising relationship.